The problem with small talk is that we have made it synonymous with meaningless conversation.
“How was your weekend?”
“Busy.”
“Yeah, same.”
“Crazy weather.”
“Yep.”
Thrilling. Sarcasm intended.
No wonder people hate small talk.
But I think we have confused small talk with meaningless talk.
Small talk, done well, is not about filling silence, being fake, or burning five minutes before you can finally get to “the real conversation.”
It can be the opening move in building something much more important:
Trust.
Research on listening and connection suggests that behaviors as simple as asking thoughtful follow-up questions can contribute to stronger feelings of social connection, even in relatively brief conversations. And research on self-disclosure has long connected appropriate sharing and perceived trustworthiness with stronger interpersonal relationships.
That matters at work.
Because people don’t build relationships exclusively through agendas, deliverables, KPIs and PowerPoint decks.
They build them through human interaction.
Small talk can feel disingenuous
Let’s acknowledge the obvious.
Small talk can feel like bullshit.
Especially when you’re walking into a networking event, meeting a prospective client, or sitting across from someone you’ve never met and thinking:
“I have exactly 30 seconds before this person asks me what I do.”
And if your version of small talk is a rehearsed interrogation…
“What do you do?”
“How long have you been doing it?”
“Where are you based?”
“Do you have a card?”
…then yes. It can feel transactional.
Because it is. And yes. People notice.
The point isn’t to perform interest.
The point is to be interested.
That distinction matters.
Small talk becomes useful when the intention behind it is genuine connection rather than extracting information, advancing an agenda, or checking the networking box. And in the words of Moira Rose… connection is my livelihood.
Research from Harvard Business Review on self-disclosure makes a similar point: appropriately sharing something personal can help build connection and trust, but it needs to be genuine, appropriate to the context, and not simply a strategy for getting people to like you.
Like I often tell my clients, focus more on making a genuine connection and less on whether or not you’re liked. You’ll be a more successful leader. Besides, as a leader, you can’t always be liked.
In other words:
Don’t fake being human.
Actually, be human. In your own authentic way.
Not all small talk is created equal
Here’s where I think we often get this wrong.
Relevant small talk beats generic small talk.
If I’m meeting someone before a conversation, I might spend five minutes learning something about them.
Not to stalk them.
Not to manufacture some creepy, “I noticed on LinkedIn that your dog is named Pickles” moment.
And definitely not because I think I’ve discovered the secret formula to making strangers like me.
But because knowing a little about someone gives me an opportunity to start with their world and where our worlds may sync.
Though, as a rescue dog Dad to a pack of 3, if I do find they have a dog, that’s an automatic authentic talking point for me.
As I say in my Mindset Matters work…try this:
Did they recently speak at a conference?
Are they leading a major transformation?
Did their organization just announce an acquisition?
Are they passionate about a particular professional issue?
Did they publish something?
Are they training for a race?
Going somewhere interesting?
Obsessed with a particular sports team, hobby, book, restaurant, band or ridiculously complicated coffee order?
That’s useful information because it gives you an opportunity to start with something that might genuinely matter to them.
Not that:
“So, what do you do?”
Try this:
“I saw you’re leading the transformation work at XYZ. What’s been the most interesting part of that so far?”
Not that:
“How’s business?”
Try this:
“You mentioned your team is growing quickly. What’s been the biggest adjustment for you as a leader?”
Not that:
“Did you have a good weekend?”
Try this:
“You mentioned you’re training for a race. How’s that going?”
Or, if you know they’re a dog person, make that specific:
“How’s the dog doing? Because let’s be honest, that’s usually a more interesting question than how the quarterly numbers are doing.”
See the difference?
The “try this” versions aren’t necessarily deep.
They’re simply specific.
And specificity communicates something powerful:
I paid attention.
Personal small talk matters, too
And this is where I think we sometimes over-professionalize the workplace.
Not every conversation needs to be about work.
In fact, some of the most useful relationship-building conversations aren’t.
Your kid’s soccer game.
Someone’s vacation.
The book they’re reading.
A new restaurant they tried.
Their garden.
Their frustrating fantasy football league.
The concert they’re going to.
That dog that has apparently become their LinkedIn profile picture.
The hike they took.
The fact that they’re exhausted because their teenager has apparently decided that sleeping is optional.
That’s not wasted time.
That’s context.
It’s information that helps you see the person beyond their job title.
Additional research discussed by Harvard Business Review has similarly explored how appropriate personal disclosure can help colleagues build connection and camaraderie, while also emphasizing that disclosure needs boundaries and judgment.
Boundaries is an entirely different article. However, there’s an important distinction here:
Personal doesn’t mean inappropriate.
You don’t need to unload your entire emotional history on someone next to the coffee machine.
Please don’t. Take it from someone who was once called an “over-sharer.” Hey, when you ask, be prepared for a full answer.
You simply need to allow some humanity into the relationship.
That might sound like:
“I finally took a weekend completely off. No email. No laptop. No pretending I was ‘just checking something.’ It was glorious.”
Or:
“You mentioned you’re heading to Italy. What’s the one place you’re most excited about?”
Or:
“I saw the pictures from your daughter’s graduation. That looked like a pretty big moment. Congratulations.”
Or even:
“You look suspiciously well-rested. What’s your secret?”
Take it from someone who has been told they “Keep it real.” Small talk doesn’t have to be profound.
It just has to be real.
The goal isn’t small talk. It’s connection.
Good small talk creates a bridge.
It lowers the social temperature.
It gives people an opportunity to relax.
It establishes common ground.
It creates a little context before you ask someone to solve a problem, make a decision, share something difficult, or trust you with something important.
And it doesn’t have to take 20 minutes.
Sometimes 90 seconds of genuine human connection can change the tone of an entire conversation.
That’s particularly important for leaders.
If every interaction begins with:
“Here’s what I need.”
“Here’s the problem.”
“Here’s the deadline.”
“Here’s what you need to do.”
…you may be communicating that the person is a resource before you’ve acknowledged that they’re a person.
And if you’re trying to build trust, that’s not exactly the best opening act.
Strong relationships at work depend on people being seen, heard and known, not simply managed.
Small talk isn’t the solution to every relationship problem.
But it can be the on-ramp to a better relationship.
Try this instead
Stop asking questions you don’t actually care about.
If you ask, listen to the answer.
Otherwise, you’re not having a conversation. You’re conducting a survey.
Use what you already know.
A little preparation can make your conversation dramatically better.
Ask one level deeper.
Don’t just collect an answer. Follow the thread.
If someone says, “We’re expanding into Europe,” don’t immediately launch into your own European expansion story.
Try this:
“Interesting. What’s driving that move?”
Then actually listen.
Share something too.
Connection is not an interview.
Appropriate, reciprocal self-disclosure can help people develop stronger relationships, but it should fit the context and the relationship
Don’t force intimacy.
Small talk should open a door, not kick it down.
Look for relevance, not cleverness. Although, a bit of humor when appropriate never hurts.
You don’t need a brilliant question.
You need a question that matters to that person.
And perhaps most importantly:
Don’t use small talk as a manipulation tactic.
People can usually feel the difference between:
“I’m trying to get something from you.”
and
“I’m interested in you as a human being.”
A few small-talk scripts worth stealing:
- “What’s been taking most of your attention lately?”
- “What part of that work are you enjoying most?”
- “What’s something you’re learning right now?”
- “You mentioned X earlier. How did that turn out?”
- “What are you most excited about right now?”
- “What’s been the biggest surprise since you took that on?”
- “What brought you into this work in the first place?”
- “I saw your post about X. What prompted you to write about it?”
- “What’s something people often misunderstand about what you do?”
- “You mentioned you’re traveling soon. What’s the part you’re looking forward to most?”
- “What have you been doing lately that has absolutely nothing to do with work?”
- “What’s your current completely unnecessary obsession?”
That last one can be surprisingly effective. It’s actually helped me discover some new activities to try and places to travel. It also gives me something authentic to talk about during a follow up conversation as I continue to build the relationship.
People are often much more interesting when they’re not talking about their job.
None of these require a weather report.
None require pretending to care.
And none require you to become a professional extrovert.
They require curiosity.
Because the best small talk isn’t really about talking.
It’s about creating enough connection that the real conversation can happen.
And when that happens consistently, you aren’t just making conversations smoother.
You’re creating the conditions for trust, better collaboration, more honest communication, and more mutually beneficial relationships.
Small talk isn’t the destination.
It’s often the first step.
And maybe we should stop calling it small.
About Author: Scott Span, MSOD, CSM, ACC, is the CEO of Tolero Solutions and a trusted advisor on leadership performance and transformation. He supports leaders to navigate change, lead through complexity, and perform effectively when the stakes are high by bringing clarity to chaos, strengthening leadership execution, and creating the conditions for people and organizations to thrive.
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