Engage or Bypass? How to Manage Toxic Workplace Behavior

Behind the Coaching Curtain: A real conversation about navigating toxic workplace behavior.

“Scott… I’ve tried everything. Feedback, patience, collaboration, solution-orientation — nothing sticks. They’re still negative, combative, draining. So do I keep trying… or do I bypass them?”

That was my client last week — exhausted, frustrated, and carrying the emotional fallout of one coworker whose behavior was holding the entire team hostage time and time again.

If you’ve been in leadership long enough, you’ve been there, too.

Because here’s the coaching truth:
Not everyone is ready — or willing — to engage in a healthy, productive way.

Some lack self-awareness.
Some default to negativity.
Some avoid accountability or make everything about themselves.
Some derail every discussion and never offer solutions.

And you have to decide how much energy you invest… and when it’s time to strategically try another approach.

In this edition of pulling back the coaching curtain, let’s take a look at an often-overlooked leadership skill:

Knowing when to engage and when to bypass.

This includes real techniques, tips, and a real client story about what actually worked.

Why You Might Still Choose to Engage (…Sometimes)

Even with toxic or problematic colleagues, strategic engagement can still be valuable. Not emotional labor. Strategic leadership and decision making.

Why Engage?

Awareness can jumpstart change. Many people genuinely don’t realize the impact of their behavior. I call this impact vs. intent. It’s actually quite common. Many people aren’t intentionally trying to be roadblocks or jerks. They often just don’t have the awareness of how their behavior is perceived or the impacts. And behavior-focused conversations (ya know, coaching) can be the catalyst for positive change.
You reinforce culture and professionalism. Engaging calmly and clearly signals what “good” communication looks like and raises awareness of perceived toxic behaviors and impacts. Leaders need to model norms long before they enforce them.
Sometimes the root issue is fixable. Stress, unclear expectations, workload issues, or poor communication skills often masquerade as “toxicity.” Once these are identified, they can be discussed, and improvement plans can be implemented.
Engagement avoids escalation. Ignoring someone outright can fuel resentment or defensiveness. A brief, respectful engagement can stabilize a tense dynamic. And even help to increase trust.

How to Engage — And Why These Techniques Work

Address behaviors, not character. People can change behaviors — if they choose. They are more likely to choose to change behaviors if you provide constructive feedback. Not broad character assassinations.
Use a “feedforward” approach. Focus on what they can do next, not what they did wrong last time. Support identifying and developing solutions for positive change moving forward.
Stay calm, neutral, and concise. Don’t fuel the emotional fire. Try not to personalize. Lead with data. Maintain a growth mindset.
Use structure, not just conversation. Ground conflict resolution in cultural and organizational norms, expectations, or performance standards — not personal preference.
Reinforce even small positive shifts. Positive behavioral reinforcement builds momentum. Cultivate a coaching mindset. Remain honest but supportive. Acknowledge and celebrate changes and small wins.

Why Bypassing May Be the Smarter Move

Let’s be honest. You can’t coach someone who has no desire to change. Not everyone is willing to take feedback and grow.

When someone is consistently negative, disruptive, or resistant to accountability, bypassing them is not avoidance — it’s strategic leadership.

Why bypass?

Toxicity drains emotional and cognitive resources. We only have so much bandwidth. We need to manage it carefully. We can’t pour from an empty cup. When your energy is constantly getting drained by someone with no desire to grow and change, it’s time to protect your energy and bypass them.
Engaging can become a cycle with no ROI. If you’ve tried reasonable engagement and nothing changes, continuing only exhausts you. You need to balance ROI with LOE. It’s time to choose the path of least resistance.
Bypassing protects productivity. Sometimes the quickest path forward is around, not through. If productivity and performance are consistently being impacted, then it’s time to bypass.
It prevents enabling bad behavior. You’re not responsible for someone else’s refusal to grow. You are responsible for yourself. Don’t enable toxic behavior.
Leadership often needs time to intervene. Bypassing (while documenting) buys space for HR, leadership, or external coaches to step in.

What Bypassing Looks Like in Practice

Limit interactions to essentials. Facts only. No emotional engagement.
Reroute work or responsibilities. Clarify roles, tighten process, or adjust workflow.
Build alliances with others. Don’t spend time where ROI is low and LOE is high.
Preserve your mental health. Step away. Set boundaries. Protect your energy.
Escalate or involve HR when appropriate. When behavior crosses lines or impacts team performance or morale, formal accountability is needed.

Engage vs. Bypass: The Leadership Trade-Off

This isn’t about being “nice” or “fair.”
It’s about being effective.

Engage when there’s potential, purpose, and a path.
Bypass when engagement leads nowhere and drains you.
Advocate for training, coaching, and leadership development when the system needs to catch up.

Leadership is not about absorbing toxic behavior — it’s about navigating it with intention.

Bringing It Back to My Client — What They Did, What Worked, and What’s Next

This is where we return to Lisa — the colleague my client described as constantly negative, always complaining, rarely solution-oriented, and draining team energy.

My client had tried engaging.
With kindness.
With clarity.
With professionalism.

Nothing changed…

So, after we explored the concept of engage vs. bypass, they chose a hybrid strategy:

Bypass:

Rerouting tasks

Streamlining communication

Keeping conversations strictly task-focused

Minimizing emotional contact

Structural intervention:

My client recommended to their leadership that they implement clear expectations around collaboration, communication, and solution-oriented behavior, and they model those behaviors and actions, and they back it up with examples. Leadership (with support and input from my client) followed through.

Here’s what happened over the next six months:

Team dynamics improved almost immediately.
Morale and productivity increased.
My client felt less stressed and more effective.
And — unexpectedly — Lisa signed up for communication training and a mentorship program.

Not a miracle transformation. But real progress. She hasn’t changed overnight, but the shift in expectations and structure gave her a chance — without dragging down my client or the team in the meantime.

And now…what’s next in coaching terms:

Keep observing. Ask yourself — is bypass still working? Stay ready to adjust: sometimes bypass leads to disengagement or isolation; sometimes engagement — when timed right — becomes reintroduction.

We’re exploring whether small re-engagement moments make sense — gentle check-ins, clearer boundaries, or collaborative touchpoints. What does continuous improvement look like…

Not full engagement.
Not forced relationship-building.
Just enough to see whether the investment and LOE now provide ROI.

Because leadership isn’t static. It’s timing, awareness, boundaries, and strategy. It’s action, growth, and learning.

The wisdom is knowing when to engage, when to bypass, and when to invite the system to step in, or how to create your own hybrid approach.

At the end of the day, this isn’t a binary rule. It’s a dynamic tool. Use engage when there’s potential and purpose. Use bypass when there’s harm and no traction. And always — always — keep your boundaries, values, and energy front and center.

About Scott Span, MSOD, CSM, ACC: is CEO at Tolero Solutions. As a people strategist, leadership coach, and change and transformation specialist, his work is focused on people. Through his consulting and training work, he supports clients to survive and thrive through change and transition and create people-focused cultures and a great employee experience. Through his coaching work, he supports people willing to dig deeper to identify and overcome what’s holding them back, change behaviors, accelerate performance, and achieve their goals.

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