The Art of Not Listening: A Recipe for Disaster

There is a wrong way to listen to understand!

I was having a coaching session with an executive recently. She was explaining to me her frustrations with her team having engagement issues, not aligning on priorities, missing deadlines, having poor customer interactions, and all around how she felt like a nag and not a leader. As we explored her concerns in our session and she began to share more details, I realized, it appeared to me she thought she was actively listening to the ideas and concerns of her team, but she wasn’t. She was listening to what she wanted to hear. What she thought she needed to hear for her to report to her leadership.

She was not really trying to listen to understand to her team. She was not practicing active listening. She was focused on her needs, her agenda, and what her boss told her he wanted. And if what she was hearing didn’t immediately align with those things she would get terse or tune-out. She was not creating a safe and trusted environment for her team to feel they could speak up and receive supportive feedback. They sensed the superficiality of her listening and it began to show in their productivity and quality of work. Over several coaching sessions, we began to unpack this a bit more, raise awareness around her listening behaviors and impacts on her team, and co-create strategies and actions to help improve her listening skills.

Have you been there as a leader or a team member?

Picture this: You’re in a meeting, nodding along as your colleague drones on about quarterly projections, but your mind is elsewhere. You’re mentally focused on specific things relating to you, your role, your team, or your boss. Your mind may be drifting to the personal, drafting your grocery list, planning your next vacation, and composing witty tweets—all while pretending to pay attention. Congratulations, you’ve mastered the fine art of not listening. But here’s the kicker: while it may seem harmless, not listening can have serious consequences in the workplace.

The Pitfalls of Not Listening:

Miscommunication: Communication in leadership is paramount to success. When you’re not actively listening, it’s easy to misinterpret or miss crucial information. This can lead to misunderstandings, mistakes, and missed opportunities.
Lack of Engagement: Nothing says “I don’t care” like zoning out during a conversation or responding with what you want to say while ignoring what was really said. Not listening sends the message that you’re disinterested, disrespectful, and disconnected from the team. The same goes for a “me, me, me” focus when listening.
Decreased Productivity: When you’re not fully engaged in a conversation for whatever reason, you’re not contributing to the discussion. This can lead to confusion, frustration for you and others, wasted time, redundancy, and missed deadlines. All have the opposite impact of what you desire.
Damaged Relationships: Trust and safety are the foundation of any successful team, and not listening erodes trust faster than you can say “I wasn’t paying attention or “that’s not what I want.” When colleagues feel unheard, they’re less likely to collaborate, communicate, and produce quality work.

So, what’s the antidote to not listening? Enter active listening, a superhero of organizational communication. Active listening isn’t just about hearing; it’s about being present, fully engaging with the speakers, understanding their perspective, and responding thoughtfully.

The Importance of Active Listening:

Enhanced Understanding: Active listening allows you to fully grasp the speaker’s message, including their tone, body language, and underlying emotions. This deeper understanding fosters empathy, connection, and collaboration. And that helps increase trust and safety. So, try to listen to understand.
Improved Communication: When you actively listen to understand, you’re more likely to ask clarifying questions, seek feedback, and offer constructive input. This leads to clearer organizational communication, fewer misunderstandings, and better outcomes for you and your team.
Increased Engagement: Actively listening shows respect for the speakers and their ideas. This fosters a culture of inclusivity, trust, and engagement, where everyone feels valued and heard. The more valued, heard, appreciated, and respected people feel, the higher the levels of engagement and productivity and the better the results.
Stronger Relationships: Trust is the glue that holds teams together, and active listening is a key to building trust. When colleagues feel heard and understood, they’re more likely to trust, respect, and support one another. And you!

Now that we’ve established the importance of active listening, let’s dive into some practical tips for mastering this essential skill.

Tips for Successful Active Listening:

Give Your Full Attention: Set aside your personal agenda. Put down your phone, close your laptop, and give the speakers your undivided attention. Make eye contact, nod your head, show genuine interest in what they’re saying, and respond with support and action where needed.
Listen Without Judgement: Suspend your preconceived notions, biases, and assumptions, and approach the conversation with an open mind. Listen to understand by not interrupting or jumping to conclusions. As I say frequently, listen to respond not react.
Paraphrase and Reflect: Summarize the speaker’s main points in your own words to ensure you’ve understood them correctly. Mirror back to them. Reflect on their emotions and validate their feelings to show empathy and understanding.
Ask Thoughtful Questions: Encourage the speakers to elaborate on their ideas by asking open-ended questions and seeking clarification when needed. Avoid leading questions or interrupting the flow of conversation. This is also useful when giving feedback.
Practice Patience: Give the speaker time to express themselves fully without rushing or interrupting. People communicate differently. Some people communicate faster than others do. Some are more concise. Some communicate through details or storytelling. Resist the urge to jump in with your own opinions or solutions before they’ve finished speaking. Again, listen to respond, not to react.

As my coaching client and I continued to work together, she increased her self-awareness and adapted her communication in leading. We identified, and she implemented, strategies and actions to help improve her listening skills. She’s seen, as she put it, “A fairly big improvement I didn’t expect in a short time.”

So, not actively listening may be easy at times, but it’s a surefire way to sabotage your success in the workplace. By embracing active listening, you’ll enhance organizational communication, build trust and safety, foster stronger relationships with your colleagues, and improve engagement and performance. So, leaders, be like my coaching client! Acknowledge, that if you’re experiencing issues relating to listening and understanding with your peers or your team, you are part of those issues. Be open to change, seek support where needed, learn, flex, grow, and achieve. Put down your distractions, check your personal agenda, flex your communication style, tune in to the conversation, stay present, respond instead of react, offer insight and support, take actions where needed, achieve higher levels of success, and watch your relationships and professional reputation soar.

Curious to explore how improving your listening and communication skills can help you achieve more rapid results? Let’s chat and see how coaching can support your success.

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About Scott Span, MSOD, CSM, ACC: is CEO at Tolero Solutions. As a people strategist, leadership coach, and change and transformation specialist, his work is focused on people. Through his consulting and training work, he supports clients to survive and thrive through change and transition and create people-focused cultures and a great employee experience. Through his coaching work, he supports people willing to dig deeper to identify and overcome what’s holding them back, change behaviors, accelerate performance, and achieve their goals.

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